TripAdvisor was WRONG!!!

So. It's funny because I went to work Friday night thinking "man, maybe there'll be some people that act so crazy tonight that I can write about them! That'll be perfect! No thinking involved, no unintended eavesdropping, just some real motherfucking antics that will just make my night!"
Well, it happened.
Except when it's actually happening you just want to:
1. Make these people disappear back into the Bermuda Triangle where they so obviously were spat out from.
2. Stab them in the eye with a steak knife.
3. Educate these fuckstains on not only the inner workings of the food and beverage industry but also constitutional law. (More on this in a minute).
4. All of the above
Let me begin...
So there are some tourists that think our little town and possibly our whole island is some sort of Hawaiian Disneyland. Like those of us that live and work here are all props in this pseudo shangrila wonderland Eden and only exist to serve their every whim. We don't actually inhabit a community; instead we are planted here every day solely for their pleasure and indulgences. This includes:
throwing away their garbage
dealing with their driving
answering idiotic and/or offensive questions
Oh, yes. And the topic most prevalent to this post. Waiting on them.
There are also those groups of people who, when they walk into your bar you just KNOW are going to be a pain in the ass. It's like some sort of bartender/server sixth sense. You know without a doubt that these people are gonna be rude, demanding, high maintenance pieces of shit who will do everything in their power to ruin your night. These people are usually, but not limited to, men wearing rolexes and way too much cologne accompanied by wives with big fake titties and stripper nails.
The people I'm going to tell you about now were all of these things.

This particular party of 6 walked in to our packed restaurant on Friday night and managed to grab the last table. They ordered their food and drinks at the same time from the server because they were too impatient to wait for the drinks to arrive. Fine, whatever. Mind you, the place was PACKED with a line out the door. My bar was 4 deep but we were flowing along nicely. Apparently this group had ordered pizza and entrees. Now these come from 2 separate kitchens so we always explain to people that they probably won't come out at the same time. So the salads (with the 6 different dressings on the side that they ordered) and pizza came out. This is where the fun began. Apparently it was unacceptable to these people that they had been waiting 20 minutes for their entrees. 20 minutes!! On a busy friday night with one chef in the kitchen! The server tried to joke with them and said something like "oh you should try being a waitress here and waiting for your food. It can be frustrating".
This is where the fun REALLY began. All of a sudden I see this crazy bitch come storming into the bar area and grabbed the server. She is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs so loudly that the whole place can hear her.
"How DARE you tell me I should try being a waitress?? You have NO IDEA what I do for a living!!" [By the looks of her I was guessing former exotic dancer turned trophy wife, but I could've been wrong.]
"I have been waiting 25 minutes for my FOOD!! What kind of place is this?" At this point all of my bar customers were aghast. And also rapt with attention at this psychotic harpy behaving like a spoiled 2 year old.
And then she spins around and waves her hand in a circle in front of the whole restaurant, big fake tits jiggling away, and screams "TripAdvisor was WRONG!!!!"
Ok. If this bitch had actually READ the reviews, she would know that we are not a michelin starred establishment. We are a dive bar in a one hundred year old bamboo hut on an island in the middle of nowhere that just happens to have great food.
At this point she was standing right in front of my well with her drakkar noir wearing douchebag of a husband. I just wanted the yelling to stop. She turns to one of my customers and starts screaming in his face: "I hate this place!! You shouldn't be drinking here! You should just leave right now the service is terrible and the food takes forever!"

I found a picture of her!

I resisted the urge to stab this fucking twat and said "please don't involve my customers in your drama." She turns to me and I swear to god her head started spinning around. "This is the goddamn US of A!! I can say anything I WANT! Freedom of speech!! Freedom of speech!! That is the 5th amendment of the US Constitution!! 5th amendment!!"
Uh ok. I am no lawyer but I'm pretty sure the 5th amendment protects people from being held for committing a crime unless they are properly indicted. But I could be wrong.
Finally, after refusing to pay for anything (of course) they left, obscenities being hurled left and right at my poor customers.
As they were leaving, everyone in the place started clapping and cheering.
I even heard one of my tourist customers yell "go back to the St. Regis where you belong!"

It amazes me that people can fucking act this way! Do they do this everywhere they go?

 

Just Another Friday Night

Holy balls, another Friday is over and done with.
Have you guys ever been to a really cool party filled with interesting, intelligent people? Well tonight was like that except the party wasn't cool and the people were fucking retards. At least the music ROCKED! I'd like to share with you some questions and random conversations heard throughout the course of my evening.
 This is why my job is so much fun, despite all my bitching and moaning. In what other profession are you going to hear all this hilarious shit????
**Note: why do people think that we can't hear what they're talking about? I don't understand this. I can hear EVERYTHING you fuckers say. It's called Bar Ears. And now I'm publishing all the dumb ass shit I overheard tonight. You've been warned. Suckers!!**

These people were so nice, I almost feel bad exploiting them. Almost.

What do you have that's carbonated?
Where do the natives hang out? We were told there would be natives here.
What do you have to drink in here?
Can I get a t shirt? Me: Sorry we're out of t shirts. Them: But my wife is cold I want to buy a t shirt.
Can I trade this wine for a mai tai? Me: You could if you hadn't drank it already.
What kind of vodka drinks do you have?

I actually heard this guy say "come here often?' to this girl tonight!

Bartender 1: Who's Big John?
Bartender 2: You know, Big John!
Bartender 1: Oh, is he the guy that makes out with his daughter?
Bartender 2: No, that's Pervert John.

Guy: Hey that big red tweaker is coming over here. Get your silver spike and mallet ready to stake her ass when she walks in. Hurry, sharpen it.

Where's Virginia?

There's always that token fart that sets everyone off.

I want a shot of patron. Me: Here you go. Drunk girl: Whoa that's strong. I just blew my breath in my friend's face!

Drunk lady: Can  get a shot of tequila? Me: what kind? Drunk lady: what, you have more than one? Me: yes, that'll be $10.

Is the moon going up or down?

I don't know whether your brother is socially retarded or just an asshole.


It's my BIRTHDAY!! **Good for you, it's still $8.**

Irritating people of the night:
People who kept calling me ma'am. And weren't southern.
People who order drinks then walk away.
People who order the same drink from both bartenders, sorry buddy now you're getting charged double!! Yeah you Mr. red t shirt!
People who yell orders at me slowly and loudly like I'm mentally challenged and/or don't speak English. I. WANT. A. BEER!!! A. BEER!!!

Seriously, you can't make this shit up!! Thank you to all my bar patrons for providing me with endless entertainment!!

The Bartender vs. The Mixologist

"How long does it take to get a drink around here?"
Call me old fashioned but when I sit at a bar I want my drink and I want it fast. I don't want to have to sit there and watch the fancy "mixologist" tossing bottles around like it's a goddamn dog and pony show or wait ten minutes for some hand squeezed shaken bullshit.
This is why I am proud to call myself a Bartender. These so -called mixologists take themselves WAY too seriously. Sorry people, I didn't go to bartending school. I don't have my "degree" in Mixology. But I HAVE been told I make a mean drink and can deliver it in a timely fashion.
After all, isn't that what's really important?

Don't get me wrong. I like fancy cocktails as much as the next girl. But I'll take a beer and a shot of tequila over a drink that takes 10 minutes to make any day of the week!

Now I know there are a lot of people who actually make a living, and a good one as an actual mixologist. These people are employed by corporations that own liquors such as grey goose etc. Or they live in Lucifer's nightclub, otherwise known as Vegas. That is great for them. And there are a ton of people out there doing amazing things with alcohol and cocktails in cities and towns everywhere!! Even our little island!! But for those of you slinging drinks in the trenches like the rest of us-- do us a favor. Lose the attitude and the pretensions and call yourself a Bartender. It's way cooler anyway.