People like you are the reason I drink

You know how I posted Shit Tourists Say? Funny, right? Well, tonight I would like to share with you guys a typical Night in the Life. And honestly, I'm thinking that those of you who bartend in normal towns can probably relate to most of these retarded conversations.

Wow, you look busy, can I have...ummmm...hmmmm....wait...
What's the fish of the day? (who fucking knows or puts fish in a drink?)
What tropical drinks do you have that aren't sweet?
What's in a mojito? (You don't need to know, because I do not make them!)
We are eating here later.
Do I need to pay you?
I payed for it, why can't I take it to the beach?
Sugar rim. (Fuck you douchebag, unless I see you LICKING every granule off that glass you are NOT getting another one!!)
Where is my straw?
Just a water I've been drinking ALL day
I know the owner
I'll have a rye
I'll have a Bloody Caesar. (Ok have you noticed it's only Canadians who order this repulsive drink??? What is up with this? If I actually HAD clam juice behind my bar and had to serve it I would literally throw up in said drink. Who the fuck drinks clam juice anyway?? Plus I'm really going to go out of my way to make you a disgusting bloody vagina clam thingy when you're going to leave me 5%??
Go back to Saskatchewan, eh!!)
So where is the beach?
I hate this place, what do you do for fun? In blank blank blank we do it this way. Who the fuck cares about blank blank? If it's that shitty why the fuck are you here on vacation??
By the way Canadians, 5% is an insult, not a tip.
Californians: Just send your money on one of your far superior planes and then you won't have to suffer through the discomfort most people know as Paradise. Leave your ideas in your fucked up state.
Alaskans. You're cool.
Do you have grey goose on Happy Hour? Maybe a nice Malbec? Well, that's what I want. (Yeah but you're a cheap prick and that's why you're here for Happy Hour. How about a shitty chardonnay that's on Happy Hour? Oh that one's actually pretty good. Yeah. I thought so. Loser. )
Can I taste every draft beer you have? No I don't like any of these I'll take a cranberry and some ice cubes with some vodka.
What's in a mai tai?
How old are you?
Are you old enough to be serving me this beer?
I'm 21 I promise.
Can I get a ketel with 2 ice cubes? No that's too many. (This is when I proceed to pick an ice cube out of the well with my hand and drop it into the glass. 2 ice cubes. You're a fuckstain.)
I left my card here last night. Hey, there is no way my tab was that much. I didn't have this many drinks.  (Really, douchebag??  I'm pretty sure that when I don't drink too much I take all of my personal possessions with me. But hey, that's just me.)
I'd like a beer.
I'd like a well.
I want a double Johnny Walker Black. I only drink good scotch. That'll be $19. $19??? Are you kidding me? What's your well? House of Stuart. Ok well I'll take that. "$19 dollars." These native people.

Oh, I could go on and on!

**Thank you to my good friend and fellow bartender The Lion for helping with this contribution.

No Ice

May I have a water no ice?
I want a cranberry and vodka. NO ICE.
Diet coke and rum. no ice.
This is weak. I need an extra shot and I DON'T expect to pay for it.
I need a glass of wine. With ice.
 Anybody notice this NO ICE epidemic? Or Ice On The Side trend? What is this ridiculous excess/non excess Excessiveness??
Also these people have no idea how to order drinks!!! It's vodka cran people!! Rum and diet!! And I'm sorry that you are from Arkansas and don't know what real wine looks like but hey!
White Zinfandel is not white.
Nor is it wine.
Which is why we laugh at you no matter what.

Shit Tourists Say

First of all, I would like to thank all of my friends who contributed to this post. Some of the shit that comes out of these fucking idiots mouths is seriously unbelievable. I actually almost shit myself when I read some of these responses. Love you guys.
** I would also like to add that these questions/ statements can be very specific to our island but those of you reading who don't live here should just imagine the concept and then move on from there.

SHIT TOURISTS SAY

Do you live here? : while at work behind the bar/ waiting on them/ performing any sort of service that screams "yes asshole I DO live here and get paid minimum wage to talk to your clearly limited intellect."
Where is the beach?
When do they turn the waterfalls on?
What are the white ropes on the mountains? Can I climb them? : This one baffled me. Are you that out of touch with nature that you think water fucking falls are ropes??? Really? I got asked this twice in one week. It's no wonder that the US education system is behind Cuba's and 43 other countries.
Does the water go all the way around the island?
Can you swim under the islands?
Can you drive to the other islands?
Can you drive past the end of the road?
How often do you go back to the states?
....Well in THE STATES we have THIS, and THIS...yes I understand. The states are clearly amazing places to live you should go back there.
When do you think it will stop raining? : I actually told this lady "well if I could predict the future I wouldn't be working HERE, that's for sure!!! Ha! She didn't like that. By the way.
Where do the whales go at night?
What's the weather going to be like in 3 months from now? :What you don't know?? I'm going to Maui then.
What town is this?
Is this downtown Princeville?
What island am I on right now?
I don't like sand, which beach is best for me?
Do I need a passport to come to Hawaii? I am from The States. : Oh honey. Yes you are.
Who Is the Native Chief?
Are you Native?
Where are all the Natives? I don't see any walking around.
Why hasn't it stopped raining?
Hey. WHY HASN'T IT STOPPED RAINING??? I PAID GOOD GODDAMN MONEY FOR THIS VACATION AND IT NEEDS TO STOP RAINING IMMEDIATELY!! OTHERWISE YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER MY WRATH!! I WILL FREQUENT EVERY RESTAURANT IN THIS TOWN, BITCH AND WHINE AND NOT TIP!!!!! BECAUSE IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My cats mouth is nicer than yours

Some people think that the more rude they are to you, the more you will bend to their will. This simply isn't true. The more rudely people treat those of us in this business, the more we look in your eyes, speak sweetly, and fuck your shit up behind your back.
You don't like the fact that you have to wait HALF an HOUR for your food?? WHAT is this? Welcome to Hawai'i time, oh wait, Kaua'i time. Yes. You thought you were relaxed. Your Ipad, macBook, Yelp, TripAdvisor said you would only wait 15 minutes and have great service. Oooops.
I guess what the travel books/ internet/ google/ yahoo/ lonely planet/ bullshit wasn't correct.
Hey! Here's an idea!! Let's just see where the day takes us!! How can we enjoy ourselves to the fullest in this amazing, majestic, unbelievable landscape of paradise?

Hey, My 7 mai tais have been too weak. I need anothhhhhhherzzz onnnnneee.

Assholes from Long Island

So. I've actually been dicking around for a long time saying I'm starting this blog. But never actually getting around to it. I have a tendency to be lazy around here, what with having amazing beaches, hiking, sunshine, etc. to deal with when I'm not working.
But these people pissed me off so SO badly tonight that they were the catalyst for me actually starting this thing that I've been talking about forever. So I thank you Assholes From Long Island. Thank you for making me so angry that I had to tell my story. This one's for you guys.

Tonight was supposed to be my easy night. The only night where I'm not behind the bar for 9 hours making endless mai tais for ungrateful pricks who only want to know if I have met George Clooney. Yes, I was only waitressing. And it was fine. Until last table from Satan's Lair walked in. Four people. A mom, a dad, and 2 daughters. I asked them if they would like drinks. Oh yes, this is where the trouble began.

 I asked the one daughter for her ID because she looked young. Other daughter, who turned out to be evil bitch in the picture to your left looked old as shit so I didn't card her. Young chick gave me her ID. I look at year of birth. 1972. Hmmm. Look at picture. Weird. It looks EXACTLY like old daughter. I say, "ok I think you gave me the wrong id, may I have yours please?" Funnily enough, she doesn't have it. Dad steps in: "this is my daughter, she is 25."
"Yes I understand this, but without ID I can't serve her."
Table proceeds to be extremely rude for the rest of evening. I tell them they must leave at ten pm because everyone needs IDs after this time. Old as fuck Daughter says to me "oh, I'm SURE you're happy to tell us that."
I say "excuse me? I am just doing my job." Botox bitch says "I was a bartender in New York for 15 years. We don't appreciate you treating us this way.  I already spoke to your boss about you. Good luck with your life." Ok. Thanks bartender lady. Then you should know the laws already but I guess that might have not applied to Scores or whatever skanky Gentleman's club you "bartended" at.
Moral of the story:
People from Long Island can be assholes. Don't let this ruin your night. Just tell the bitter dried up "girl" at the table who's giving you shit that you LOVED her bit part in Showgirls. It made you want to be a stripper too!! Sorry, I meant "dancer".

the Beginning

I am creating this blog to go out to all the disgruntled service industry workers out there. Especially those of us who live here in the beautiful Hawaiian islands. We are a completely different breed of minions. However, I would like this to be a forum for anyone who has complaints, funny stories, or just plain old good bitching about all the fucking idiots that we have to deal with on a daily basis. Positive feedback about customers is appreciated too, because we do like them sometimes. Right??

Let's get right down to it.

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Here is a list of customers we don't like. Don't be these douchebags:

People who snap their fingers at you.
People who wave at you for 5 minutes when you're slammed and then aren't ready when you get to them.
Canadians.
People who ask "what's the cheapest thing you have?"
Straight guys who drink cosmos: pussies.
People who split 4 Mai tais/ whatever on 4 separate cards. Assholes.
People who scream drink orders at you when you're not even looking at them.
People who think the garnish tray is a buffet, don't touch my fruit with your germ covered hands!!
People who order a drink that I've never heard of and don't even know what's in it.
People who slam their beer bottles and/or shot glasses down on the bar: you're cut off!!
Australians: even worse than canadians because they drink a LOT and don't tip at ALL!!
People who say "oh I'm a bartender too" like I give a shit. And then are always shitty tippers!!
People who tell me to smile.
People: i.e. tourists, who want to know my life story. "where are you from? How did you end up here? Why do you live here? Where do you live? How much do you make? How much do you pay n rent?" NONE of your GODDAMN business!!!! Do I ask you why you live in your shitty suburb outside of Detroit?? NO!!
People who ask "what's good?" I don't know what you drink, or eat asshole just order something!! People who try to order drinks for their underage kids then get pissed and don't tip when you say no.
People who are on their way to the airport and want you to put their ticket before everyone else's.
People who sit at the only dirty table in a whole restaurant full of empty tables.
People who want you to read them the menu over the phone.
People who order non alcoholic alcoholic beverages.
People who say "when you have a chance"  uh I have a chance now douchebag that's why I'm talking to you.
People who complain there's no alcohol in their drink: either  I'm really good at my job or you're too drunk!! Fuck off!!
Straight guys who drink lemon drops.
People who want to know your name so they can abuse it for the rest of the night.

Please feel free to add to this list!!!  I will post all.