TripAdvisor was WRONG!!!

So. It's funny because I went to work Friday night thinking "man, maybe there'll be some people that act so crazy tonight that I can write about them! That'll be perfect! No thinking involved, no unintended eavesdropping, just some real motherfucking antics that will just make my night!"
Well, it happened.
Except when it's actually happening you just want to:
1. Make these people disappear back into the Bermuda Triangle where they so obviously were spat out from.
2. Stab them in the eye with a steak knife.
3. Educate these fuckstains on not only the inner workings of the food and beverage industry but also constitutional law. (More on this in a minute).
4. All of the above
Let me begin...
So there are some tourists that think our little town and possibly our whole island is some sort of Hawaiian Disneyland. Like those of us that live and work here are all props in this pseudo shangrila wonderland Eden and only exist to serve their every whim. We don't actually inhabit a community; instead we are planted here every day solely for their pleasure and indulgences. This includes:
throwing away their garbage
dealing with their driving
answering idiotic and/or offensive questions
Oh, yes. And the topic most prevalent to this post. Waiting on them.
There are also those groups of people who, when they walk into your bar you just KNOW are going to be a pain in the ass. It's like some sort of bartender/server sixth sense. You know without a doubt that these people are gonna be rude, demanding, high maintenance pieces of shit who will do everything in their power to ruin your night. These people are usually, but not limited to, men wearing rolexes and way too much cologne accompanied by wives with big fake titties and stripper nails.
The people I'm going to tell you about now were all of these things.

This particular party of 6 walked in to our packed restaurant on Friday night and managed to grab the last table. They ordered their food and drinks at the same time from the server because they were too impatient to wait for the drinks to arrive. Fine, whatever. Mind you, the place was PACKED with a line out the door. My bar was 4 deep but we were flowing along nicely. Apparently this group had ordered pizza and entrees. Now these come from 2 separate kitchens so we always explain to people that they probably won't come out at the same time. So the salads (with the 6 different dressings on the side that they ordered) and pizza came out. This is where the fun began. Apparently it was unacceptable to these people that they had been waiting 20 minutes for their entrees. 20 minutes!! On a busy friday night with one chef in the kitchen! The server tried to joke with them and said something like "oh you should try being a waitress here and waiting for your food. It can be frustrating".
This is where the fun REALLY began. All of a sudden I see this crazy bitch come storming into the bar area and grabbed the server. She is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs so loudly that the whole place can hear her.
"How DARE you tell me I should try being a waitress?? You have NO IDEA what I do for a living!!" [By the looks of her I was guessing former exotic dancer turned trophy wife, but I could've been wrong.]
"I have been waiting 25 minutes for my FOOD!! What kind of place is this?" At this point all of my bar customers were aghast. And also rapt with attention at this psychotic harpy behaving like a spoiled 2 year old.
And then she spins around and waves her hand in a circle in front of the whole restaurant, big fake tits jiggling away, and screams "TripAdvisor was WRONG!!!!"
Ok. If this bitch had actually READ the reviews, she would know that we are not a michelin starred establishment. We are a dive bar in a one hundred year old bamboo hut on an island in the middle of nowhere that just happens to have great food.
At this point she was standing right in front of my well with her drakkar noir wearing douchebag of a husband. I just wanted the yelling to stop. She turns to one of my customers and starts screaming in his face: "I hate this place!! You shouldn't be drinking here! You should just leave right now the service is terrible and the food takes forever!"

I found a picture of her!

I resisted the urge to stab this fucking twat and said "please don't involve my customers in your drama." She turns to me and I swear to god her head started spinning around. "This is the goddamn US of A!! I can say anything I WANT! Freedom of speech!! Freedom of speech!! That is the 5th amendment of the US Constitution!! 5th amendment!!"
Uh ok. I am no lawyer but I'm pretty sure the 5th amendment protects people from being held for committing a crime unless they are properly indicted. But I could be wrong.
Finally, after refusing to pay for anything (of course) they left, obscenities being hurled left and right at my poor customers.
As they were leaving, everyone in the place started clapping and cheering.
I even heard one of my tourist customers yell "go back to the St. Regis where you belong!"

It amazes me that people can fucking act this way! Do they do this everywhere they go?

 

Just Another Friday Night

Holy balls, another Friday is over and done with.
Have you guys ever been to a really cool party filled with interesting, intelligent people? Well tonight was like that except the party wasn't cool and the people were fucking retards. At least the music ROCKED! I'd like to share with you some questions and random conversations heard throughout the course of my evening.
 This is why my job is so much fun, despite all my bitching and moaning. In what other profession are you going to hear all this hilarious shit????
**Note: why do people think that we can't hear what they're talking about? I don't understand this. I can hear EVERYTHING you fuckers say. It's called Bar Ears. And now I'm publishing all the dumb ass shit I overheard tonight. You've been warned. Suckers!!**

These people were so nice, I almost feel bad exploiting them. Almost.

What do you have that's carbonated?
Where do the natives hang out? We were told there would be natives here.
What do you have to drink in here?
Can I get a t shirt? Me: Sorry we're out of t shirts. Them: But my wife is cold I want to buy a t shirt.
Can I trade this wine for a mai tai? Me: You could if you hadn't drank it already.
What kind of vodka drinks do you have?

I actually heard this guy say "come here often?' to this girl tonight!

Bartender 1: Who's Big John?
Bartender 2: You know, Big John!
Bartender 1: Oh, is he the guy that makes out with his daughter?
Bartender 2: No, that's Pervert John.

Guy: Hey that big red tweaker is coming over here. Get your silver spike and mallet ready to stake her ass when she walks in. Hurry, sharpen it.

Where's Virginia?

There's always that token fart that sets everyone off.

I want a shot of patron. Me: Here you go. Drunk girl: Whoa that's strong. I just blew my breath in my friend's face!

Drunk lady: Can  get a shot of tequila? Me: what kind? Drunk lady: what, you have more than one? Me: yes, that'll be $10.

Is the moon going up or down?

I don't know whether your brother is socially retarded or just an asshole.


It's my BIRTHDAY!! **Good for you, it's still $8.**

Irritating people of the night:
People who kept calling me ma'am. And weren't southern.
People who order drinks then walk away.
People who order the same drink from both bartenders, sorry buddy now you're getting charged double!! Yeah you Mr. red t shirt!
People who yell orders at me slowly and loudly like I'm mentally challenged and/or don't speak English. I. WANT. A. BEER!!! A. BEER!!!

Seriously, you can't make this shit up!! Thank you to all my bar patrons for providing me with endless entertainment!!

The Bartender vs. The Mixologist

"How long does it take to get a drink around here?"
Call me old fashioned but when I sit at a bar I want my drink and I want it fast. I don't want to have to sit there and watch the fancy "mixologist" tossing bottles around like it's a goddamn dog and pony show or wait ten minutes for some hand squeezed shaken bullshit.
This is why I am proud to call myself a Bartender. These so -called mixologists take themselves WAY too seriously. Sorry people, I didn't go to bartending school. I don't have my "degree" in Mixology. But I HAVE been told I make a mean drink and can deliver it in a timely fashion.
After all, isn't that what's really important?

Don't get me wrong. I like fancy cocktails as much as the next girl. But I'll take a beer and a shot of tequila over a drink that takes 10 minutes to make any day of the week!

Now I know there are a lot of people who actually make a living, and a good one as an actual mixologist. These people are employed by corporations that own liquors such as grey goose etc. Or they live in Lucifer's nightclub, otherwise known as Vegas. That is great for them. And there are a ton of people out there doing amazing things with alcohol and cocktails in cities and towns everywhere!! Even our little island!! But for those of you slinging drinks in the trenches like the rest of us-- do us a favor. Lose the attitude and the pretensions and call yourself a Bartender. It's way cooler anyway.

People like you are the reason I drink

You know how I posted Shit Tourists Say? Funny, right? Well, tonight I would like to share with you guys a typical Night in the Life. And honestly, I'm thinking that those of you who bartend in normal towns can probably relate to most of these retarded conversations.

Wow, you look busy, can I have...ummmm...hmmmm....wait...
What's the fish of the day? (who fucking knows or puts fish in a drink?)
What tropical drinks do you have that aren't sweet?
What's in a mojito? (You don't need to know, because I do not make them!)
We are eating here later.
Do I need to pay you?
I payed for it, why can't I take it to the beach?
Sugar rim. (Fuck you douchebag, unless I see you LICKING every granule off that glass you are NOT getting another one!!)
Where is my straw?
Just a water I've been drinking ALL day
I know the owner
I'll have a rye
I'll have a Bloody Caesar. (Ok have you noticed it's only Canadians who order this repulsive drink??? What is up with this? If I actually HAD clam juice behind my bar and had to serve it I would literally throw up in said drink. Who the fuck drinks clam juice anyway?? Plus I'm really going to go out of my way to make you a disgusting bloody vagina clam thingy when you're going to leave me 5%??
Go back to Saskatchewan, eh!!)
So where is the beach?
I hate this place, what do you do for fun? In blank blank blank we do it this way. Who the fuck cares about blank blank? If it's that shitty why the fuck are you here on vacation??
By the way Canadians, 5% is an insult, not a tip.
Californians: Just send your money on one of your far superior planes and then you won't have to suffer through the discomfort most people know as Paradise. Leave your ideas in your fucked up state.
Alaskans. You're cool.
Do you have grey goose on Happy Hour? Maybe a nice Malbec? Well, that's what I want. (Yeah but you're a cheap prick and that's why you're here for Happy Hour. How about a shitty chardonnay that's on Happy Hour? Oh that one's actually pretty good. Yeah. I thought so. Loser. )
Can I taste every draft beer you have? No I don't like any of these I'll take a cranberry and some ice cubes with some vodka.
What's in a mai tai?
How old are you?
Are you old enough to be serving me this beer?
I'm 21 I promise.
Can I get a ketel with 2 ice cubes? No that's too many. (This is when I proceed to pick an ice cube out of the well with my hand and drop it into the glass. 2 ice cubes. You're a fuckstain.)
I left my card here last night. Hey, there is no way my tab was that much. I didn't have this many drinks.  (Really, douchebag??  I'm pretty sure that when I don't drink too much I take all of my personal possessions with me. But hey, that's just me.)
I'd like a beer.
I'd like a well.
I want a double Johnny Walker Black. I only drink good scotch. That'll be $19. $19??? Are you kidding me? What's your well? House of Stuart. Ok well I'll take that. "$19 dollars." These native people.

Oh, I could go on and on!

**Thank you to my good friend and fellow bartender The Lion for helping with this contribution.

No Ice

May I have a water no ice?
I want a cranberry and vodka. NO ICE.
Diet coke and rum. no ice.
This is weak. I need an extra shot and I DON'T expect to pay for it.
I need a glass of wine. With ice.
 Anybody notice this NO ICE epidemic? Or Ice On The Side trend? What is this ridiculous excess/non excess Excessiveness??
Also these people have no idea how to order drinks!!! It's vodka cran people!! Rum and diet!! And I'm sorry that you are from Arkansas and don't know what real wine looks like but hey!
White Zinfandel is not white.
Nor is it wine.
Which is why we laugh at you no matter what.

Shit Tourists Say

First of all, I would like to thank all of my friends who contributed to this post. Some of the shit that comes out of these fucking idiots mouths is seriously unbelievable. I actually almost shit myself when I read some of these responses. Love you guys.
** I would also like to add that these questions/ statements can be very specific to our island but those of you reading who don't live here should just imagine the concept and then move on from there.

SHIT TOURISTS SAY

Do you live here? : while at work behind the bar/ waiting on them/ performing any sort of service that screams "yes asshole I DO live here and get paid minimum wage to talk to your clearly limited intellect."
Where is the beach?
When do they turn the waterfalls on?
What are the white ropes on the mountains? Can I climb them? : This one baffled me. Are you that out of touch with nature that you think water fucking falls are ropes??? Really? I got asked this twice in one week. It's no wonder that the US education system is behind Cuba's and 43 other countries.
Does the water go all the way around the island?
Can you swim under the islands?
Can you drive to the other islands?
Can you drive past the end of the road?
How often do you go back to the states?
....Well in THE STATES we have THIS, and THIS...yes I understand. The states are clearly amazing places to live you should go back there.
When do you think it will stop raining? : I actually told this lady "well if I could predict the future I wouldn't be working HERE, that's for sure!!! Ha! She didn't like that. By the way.
Where do the whales go at night?
What's the weather going to be like in 3 months from now? :What you don't know?? I'm going to Maui then.
What town is this?
Is this downtown Princeville?
What island am I on right now?
I don't like sand, which beach is best for me?
Do I need a passport to come to Hawaii? I am from The States. : Oh honey. Yes you are.
Who Is the Native Chief?
Are you Native?
Where are all the Natives? I don't see any walking around.
Why hasn't it stopped raining?
Hey. WHY HASN'T IT STOPPED RAINING??? I PAID GOOD GODDAMN MONEY FOR THIS VACATION AND IT NEEDS TO STOP RAINING IMMEDIATELY!! OTHERWISE YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER MY WRATH!! I WILL FREQUENT EVERY RESTAURANT IN THIS TOWN, BITCH AND WHINE AND NOT TIP!!!!! BECAUSE IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My cats mouth is nicer than yours

Some people think that the more rude they are to you, the more you will bend to their will. This simply isn't true. The more rudely people treat those of us in this business, the more we look in your eyes, speak sweetly, and fuck your shit up behind your back.
You don't like the fact that you have to wait HALF an HOUR for your food?? WHAT is this? Welcome to Hawai'i time, oh wait, Kaua'i time. Yes. You thought you were relaxed. Your Ipad, macBook, Yelp, TripAdvisor said you would only wait 15 minutes and have great service. Oooops.
I guess what the travel books/ internet/ google/ yahoo/ lonely planet/ bullshit wasn't correct.
Hey! Here's an idea!! Let's just see where the day takes us!! How can we enjoy ourselves to the fullest in this amazing, majestic, unbelievable landscape of paradise?

Hey, My 7 mai tais have been too weak. I need anothhhhhhherzzz onnnnneee.